A is for...

I’ve been thinking about approval lately. Approval is a big word. Not in the sense of how many letters it has, there are many words that are much bigger. Like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious…which, by the way, comes up in spell check. But approval is big in terms of how much meaning it holds. Through nearly every stage of my life so far, approval has played an important part.

From early on, I learned to strive for approval. I wanted to please my parents and win their praise. I don’t think I ever did it personally, but I’ve seen so many home movies of little kids in their first Christmas concert or recital waving at their parents, making sure they’re catching every move, all the while missing out on actually performing. I can remember yelling out “Watch me!” before jumping into the swimming pool off of the slide in our front yard, and when I showed off my newly learned spins from figure skating class. The approval we get from adults in these growing up years is very important. Without it we stand to live our lives constantly trying to get attention and positive feedback from those around us. But with it, we learn to face challenges and accept the approval we get with grace and humility. I think my parents did a great job making sure my brother and I received the praise we needed when we were growing up.

Like most people, I can look back now at the junior and senior high school stage of my life and see so many things that I didn’t at the time. I see now that I did all I could to glean approval from my peers. The same watch me feelings were prevalent nearly every day as I hoped that those around me liked what they saw. What I wore, the music I listened to, the style of my hair, even who I talked to and hung out with was subject to scrutiny by everyone around me – especially in such a small town. But I think I was actually lucky to grow up in that small town and to know everyone in my entire high school by name. I wasn’t part of the in crowd by any means, nor was I much of an athlete, but was fortunate to have friends who truly cared for me and I found my approval from them. Still, I look back now and see how easy it was for some people to feel ostracized and start to withdraw simply because they didn’t have the support that I did. Through those years, approval from friends, teachers, coaches, and again my parents fostered a sense of self esteem and confidence that I needed to face all the different pressures and stresses that came my way.

When I applied for SAIT, waiting for and finally getting that approval letter was always on my mind. Since it took me so long to decide what course I was going to take, I couldn’t wait to hear back. I wanted them to pick me so badly! Once I did get that letter and classes began, again my peers were important, but I was also looking for approval from my instructors. They were a very informal bunch and with such small classes they knew exactly who was missing if you dared to skip a day of class. (Which I never did. I was late or sick once or twice, but I never skipped.) There was also pressure to stay out in front and get the grades I’d need to get a job. One huge hit of approval came when an industry guest speaker gave me his business card and told me to call him instead of giving it to a fellow classmate who was pressuring him for the opportunity.

When I got my first job out of SAIT, and also my second, the old watch me feeling from childhood came back. I learned that there is a real balancing act that goes on every day in a workplace. When you do a good job, you want to be rewarded with approval from your superiors. But if you go looking for that approval you can be seen as a suck up or as insecure in your own abilities; which can make an employer skeptical of you. Plus, it seems that a lot of people who do whatever they can to get ahead and get approval from those above them often get it when they don’t deserve it. I’m lucky to work for a company that appreciates the work I do and gives me the credit for it even though it would be easy to just push me into the background. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate a compliment now and then though!

And then there’s maybe the most important kind of approval. That which we get from the people we choose as our partners. I had no idea how important it was until I met Brandon and we started building a relationship. From the moment he finally understood my signals that I wanted him to hold my hand, (hand on the knee at the movie theatre!) to now, two years later when I lean in for a kiss, I’m opening myself up and hoping for approval. It’s a very vulnerable place to be – asking him to choose me every single day. I work very hard to make sure that Brandon knows how much I approve of him. Although I may not always like or agree with everything he does or says, I always approve of the effort he puts into everything he does. This kind of reciprocal system has completely changed my understanding of how relationships work and even though sometimes it’s hard, I’m totally enjoying putting in the effort.

Now, in my thirtieth year, I’ve encountered a whole new type of approval to strive for. On May 25^th, Brandon and I applied for Youth Mobility Visas with the Home Office of Great Britain. We planned for this and we both worked very hard to get to it for more than a year. Nearly half of the time that we’ve known each other has been spent saving and preparing for what will undoubtedly change our lives as we know them. This was the plan: If approved, we would quit our jobs, sell our cars, give up our little rental house…entirely pack up our lives here in Canada and fly away this September to live in Scotland for a year.

So we applied and set up appointments for June 20^th to go to Edmonton to complete the process with passport photos and fingerprints. And we waited.

And waited.

And while we waited, I began to realize that every kind of approval I’ve experienced in my life was all wrapped up in my application. I wanted whoever was looking at my paperwork to watch me and see me as worthy and choose me to live in their country for a year.

Our appointments went well, all our paperwork was in order and we were out of there in about 15 minutes. We were told that it would take up to 15 days for the process to be complete and our visas to be granted. But two days later, on Wednesday, June 22^nd, we received emails stating that our visas had been issued. That’s a yes! That means we’re approved! This is actually real!

What this approval means is beyond anything I’ve experienced so far. This adventure is bigger than anything I’ve ever done or ever even imagined I could do and it will open up a whole new chapter in my life and also in my relationship with Brandon. Every experience I’ve had with approval so far prepared me for that period of waiting. And now the real work begins as we plan out what our lives are going to look like for the next two and a half months.

A is for approval, but I think I’m going to start spelling it with a capital from now on. It’s much too big of a word to start with such a little letter.