Resume

Written October 13

I’m having trouble today. I don’t know why it should be so hard to wrap my head around the fact that I need to look for jobs and apply for them. Why should this suddenly be such a source of terror for me? Last night and this morning we worked on getting Brandon’s resume all in order and all I could think about was how I’m just not ready for this. That’s not fair and I know it. I need to be employed as soon as possible too and start bringing in money too. And yet when Brandon suggested I come along with him to the internet café and start a job search online while he gets his resumes printed, I nearly flipped out and sat here on the couch crying. I know that part of this is because my job at Coast Paper lasted eight and a half years. I can remember years ago thinking that quite possibly the worst thing in the world that could happen would be for me to be laid off and have to find a new job. I like security. I like knowing exactly what’s going to happen every day and how to do everything that will be asked of me. I hate being “new” and as much as I say I like to be challenged, I’d much rather have a predictable and scheduled day. I knew this was part of the deal when I signed on for this Scottish adventure, but I honestly did not expect the reaction I’m having today.

I’ve been carrying around a stack of resumes with me that I printed on my favourite paper from back at Coast. I even designed the file on A4 paper since that’s the standard here. I have reference sheets to match and I had envelopes to put them in. But suddenly this morning I decided they’re not good enough. How I’ve managed to get them here without wrinkling and creasing is a mystery. But this version is very much suited to working for a paper or a printing company. And at this point, versatility is much more important than proving I know how to make a perfect bound mock up, or that I know the difference between linen and laid. So while Brandon is out today, dressed in a shirt and tie, knocking on hotel kitchen doors, I’m here in unwashed hair, the comfiest clothes I have and bare feet pushing myself to re-write a resume. It looks pretty good so far, but I can’t seem to get things to sound like I want them to. I need an objective that doesn’t make me sound over confident or too cute. And I need a program other than Word to make it look good.

I’ll get through this and I will find a job. But I am just so, so scared.